11-6-2012

  I will never forget that day. The night before I remember leaving the hospital. I saw you laying there in the bed. I kissed you and told you I loved you before I left. I knew I would be back the next day just like I every single day the past three weeks. This time though, something in my heart was worried that this would be the last time we would see each other. Fast forward seven hours later, and those fears became reality. "Your phone is ringing, I think it's your grandma." I looked down at my phone and it was indeed her calling to give me the news that i feared was coming. When I got to the hospital and saw all the family gathered in the hallway it started to become that much more real. In my younger days I would often think about how I would react on this day.

  Its something you know will eventually come but you never think anything of it because the perception of time isn't taken into account. You think you've got much more time than you really do. Years fly by and then you wake up one day and people you love and cherish are no longer there. And that is what happened to me. As everyone began to clear out of the room I stayed behind, just taking everything in. Then, it hit me, I had just lost the greatest man I had ever known.  Anyone who knows me knows I was raised by my grandparents. It was the best thing that could have ever happened to me, I literally had everything I could have ever wanted, needed, or asked for.

Everything that I am comes mostly from the two of them. For those who knew him, you can see everything that is important to me I got from my grandfather. So many things I learned as a child that to this day I still keep with me. I was taught to carry a wallet from a very young age, to never leave home without something to identify myself with. I was doing chores at an early age, learning the value of hard work, something today's kids have never and will never know anything about. The lessons only got more valuable as I got older. I was taught how to treat others the way that I want to be treated, I learned how to work on cars, I learned how to carry myself in a way that could be a positive reflection on the people I love. People don't realize that the silly things they get in trouble for are a negative reflection on the rest of your family. You taught me that at a very young age that how I acted was a direct reflection on you and nana. I got in trouble some as most kids do, but I always tried my best not to embarrass the name of our family.

There was one day a few months before you got sick where we talked and you told me that you were proud of me. There aren't words I can use to describe how much that meant to me. I made sure you knew I appreciated that. I needed it. Those words live in my head. I'm sure I've been told that before but for some reason this time stood out more than the others. If I die tonight or the next day, I'll be alright just because I have those words to hold onto. No matter how much time passes it never will get easier and I'll never be over it, but what I can and will do is keep going. I would never stop because I can't stomach the thought of letting you down. A couple weeks ago I was out and a friend asked me why I wear these dog tags. I felt my eyes well up and I had to walk away and compose myself. 

Where do I even begin? No matter where I go every time I leave the house they're with me. When I'm driving they hang on the rear view mirror. They protect me and keep me safe. When I go out anywhere I wear them around my neck and make sure they're out in plain sight. Nothing can ever replace the hole that's been in my heart since you left but at least this way you'll always be close to me, guiding me wherever I go. You truly were/are my hero and I will push forward in everything to continue to make you proud and in return I know you'll continue to watch over me. 

Until we meet again. I love you Pop Pop