When the one constant in your life through all the other nonsense is no longer there ?
When the person who means the most to you is there one day, and the very next, isn’t?
This is where I currently find myself. Life is strange. A lot of things that happen to you don’t seem possible. Like they shouldn’t be able to happen or be accepted.
I look at pictures of you I have in my phone . From the various FaceTime calls and every visit we had up until the very last time. How could I see you in these photos, so smiling and so full of life, to now having to wrestle with the thought of you not being here anymore? How does that make sense? Why is that accepted?
So as I go back to the day before. When we spoke for what would be the last time . God I never thought in a million years it would be the last one. After trying all week to make contact finally getting lucky and getting to spend some time with you. It was business as usual. Then at the end per usual when we were finished (the call was cut short because of your phone dying. I never want the call to end before I get to tell you I love you and hearing you say it back. So any time I hear the phone about to die I always suggest a call back) I tell you I love you and I will talk to you later. Then you tell me if you don’t call back tonight I’ll call you tomorrow and that you loved me too.
And that was it. I went to the store and grabbed the stuff I promised I would bring to you and dropped it off. With a smile on my face. Everything is right. Everything is good. Until it wasn’t. The next day. (8/7) as I’m running around trying to get myself together for my night. The thought of calling you crossed my mind hit at that point time had gotten away from me.
I didn’t want to try and call and then have to cut the call short again. I wish I would have. Maybe I wouldn’t have gotten through again. Then again maybe I would’ve got lucky? Who knows. I know that will always stick with me. Roughly 12 or so hours later I got the call. Sped over to the hospital. You weren’t there. Sped over to the nursing home.
As we pull up the nurses were waiting outside. Telling us we needed gowns and masks. And then I heard it. “We’re very sorry for your loss” I heard it clear as day but it didn’t register. Not until I went inside got upstairs and saw you. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Instant sadness. Grief. Heartbreak. Not a full on meltdown .
Just a lot of tears. And after a couple of hours I hugged you, kissed you, and said my final goodbye. I will never not feel that pain. The other piece of my heart is shattered. Although I know that you and pop pop are together again and you two are ecstatic over that. I sit here selfishly broken. Wishing I still had you both here to watch me try and navigate this thing called life. I know you’re happy to be together again. You truly were the embodiment of “til death do us part” . I can only hope to have that for myself one day.
So what do I do now? As I look at all the pictures of you that I have, smiling and happy, and wrestle with the fact that the two most important people to me are now gone? It hasn’t truly hit me yet. Not at all. So I guess I’m like a bucket with cracks in the sides. Water leaking out. I’m just waiting on the day when the cracks give way and it all comes out.
I can’t wait to see you guys again. Whenever that may be. Tell you about all the things I did after you guys left. About the kids I may have had. It’ll be a hell of a catch up session. So to my number one lady: just know I love you eternally.
Always.
