It's been three years now. Three years since the night that changed me forever. I haven't gotten better, haven't gotten worse. Just kind of in the middle. Numb. I can't say I have had time to properly grieve. I don't know if I've truly grieved at all. I guess I just kinda woke up the next day and got on with my life. That's how it works. No matter how much hurt you feel, no matter how many tears you cry, life will go on. 

The world will continue forward whether you're ready to move with it or not. So here we are. Three years later. Much has happened. Much has changed. So much. Last year when I wrote I talked about getting ready for my little one to arrive. She will be one year old in less than 72 hours. Still so crazy to think about that of all people I am someone's parent. I know you would get a kick out of seeing it happen. You were the one person I know would be loving life right now with a new grandbaby to love on. The painful reality of that will probably never leave me. 

I went by the nursing home today. I parked my car and ate some donuts. The same donuts you used to bring home for me after work as a kid. I still remember those times. I just sat there and took it all in. I looked out of the windshield at the side of the building and thought back to June of 2020, when they called and told me we could set up window visits. How I went to Walmart and bought a fold up chair so I could sit outside your window and talk to you. I have so many vivid memories of those days.  As I sat there I didn't say much of anything, I just felt the energy and took it all in. I had flashbacks of that night three years ago. The same "that really happened" thought that often crosses my mind at random. 

Eventually I turned the car back on, backed out of my spot, and drove off. I looked towards the front entrance as I turned the corner and went down the hill. For the longest I would never get the chance to drive past the nursing home. I am never out in the area besides for work and even then the way I would go home would take me past the nursing home to where I would have to go the opposite way to go past there. Now the way that I go home takes me directly past it. So now I can pass by daily. Its comforting in a way. 

I don't know if I plan on writing like this every year. It might be cool to do. We will see I guess. Until then, just know I love you and I miss you.