The case of Kain Carter

So I've been following Kain Carter, aka Hotdamnirock, for almost a decade now. I've seen him go from super funny, to super creative and introspective, to now, super broken. How did we get here you're probably wondering? Well lets start from the beginning. This should be a given but try to watch each video as they all contain important information relating to the purpose of this blog post.

https://youtu.be/I1jN3MT8wZE

This probably isn't the very first video from him that I watched but it is one of them. The humorous way in which he delivers his messages is what drew me in. I was hooked.


Then we get to some of the creative stuff.

https://youtu.be/KzeREh_m1Mk

One of his most popular videos to date. Really displaying his creative side here.

Then somewhere along the line, life happened.


https://youtu.be/NEjCSUyfIsI



The above video was naturally the turning point in my journey alongside Kain. I don't know him personally however being that I've been subscribed for almost ten years now it feels like I know him a little better than most would. In the last video posted he states he's been gone for almost a full year from creating on YouTube which we all knew just based on the gap between uploads. He then goes on to describe a series of events in his life that were the cause of him being gone: the death of his cousin (and the grief from not being able to be there in her final moments), his own battle with an unknown illness, his dog's battle with illness, and finally, the death of his best friend.

It's only natural for one to be torn up and struggling to come to terms with any one of those situations on their own but to deal with them all in a relatively short period of time would be crushing to most. He put on his best "i'm dealing with it" face as best he could be there were times he bared his emotion on camera (a full video actually).

https://youtu.be/L0e4-sRMt7U

the above video is very important because it sets the stage for what is to come next. He states in that video that the persona known as hotdamnirock was being shut away for good as he is continuing to evolve and find new ways to inspire people and make an impact on the world. To that end he announces that all of the shirts he's ever made would be available one last time so anyone who wanted one could order one and he'd have it made and shipped to them along with a few other little items that relate to him and a letter he wrote from his soul. And now, we have arrived.


https://youtu.be/TJrFdirpzzY

As you can see. Kain is full on disgruntled, frustrated, disappointed but most of all, tired. From the time he released the end of hotdamnirock video til two days ago he's gotten countless emails regarding the orders of those shirts he promoted in the last video. Everyone was frustrated and angry with how long it was taking their packages to come and it began to take its toll on him as he struggled to complete the sheer number of orders he had received. Much more than one man can do alone (which I'll touch on shortly) .

Now that we've gotten to this point let's get down to the reason for this post. I know his best friend died two years ago but does he have anyone else in his life who cares about him? Who checks in on him to make sure he's good? Because to me, that doesn't seem to be the case. His whole demeanor is different than it was even a few months ago when he posted his last video. He looks like if he hasn't already had a mental breakdown, he's damn close to it.

Which goes back to what I continue to try and preach: CHECK ON YOUR FRIENDS. You never know what they're going through or battling. Sometimes all it takes is a simple "how are you doing" to fix everything. To show that you care. I personally don't have the same luxury unless I repost something on social media about the subject then people come out the wood works because they feel attacked. On the flip side I try to reach out to all my friends as much as possible. I understand we are all adults and have our own families and lives to tend to however it is possible to maintain that relationship with your friends. Even if its someone I don't really have a strong relationship with I'll reach out just to offer some encouragement or positivity. It really does go a long way. So my challenge to you, is to do better. To be better. Thanks for reading.

I'm out

The Most Frustrating thing you can say to someone dealing with depression and/or anxiety...

I'm sure we all know someone who appears to be sad or down all the time. Facial expressions, body language, social media posts... all dead giveaways. The first thing you say to them is "oh it's not that bad", "you'll be fine" "be positive" or my personal favorite "there's always someone who has it worse" . Thank you captain obvious for making that completely irrelevant but true statement. 

There are millions of people with worse problems than what I or they may be dealing with. But did it ever occur to you that saying that to someone isn't going to make them feel anything less upset about what they have going on? What do they care about what Brad in Iowa is upset or depressed over? It doesn't make the problems that they wake up with everyday hurt any less. 

People are so quick to have the solutions to everyone's problems when the only true solution is to be understanding and supportive. Sometimes all these people want or need is someone to let them vent and get some weight off of their shoulders. Most people put up fronts like everything is fine but inside are begging for the help that their mouths won't allow them to ask for. Usually for the reasons listed above, these people won't try and confide in friends or family because they seem to make things worse with dismissive comments or attitudes so they end up holding it in and suffering in silence. 

It's true, thinking positive is something these people could stand to do. It definitely would make things better but don't you think they're trying to do that?Or have done that? Do you know how hard it is for someone who sufferers from anxiety or depression or both to form clear and rational thoughts? It's extremely hard to do. Mood swings are also apart of the equation which make things more fun (in the most sarcastic tone possible). 

This isn't designed to be a pity piece, or a "feel sorry for me" type deal, simply a means of understanding. In order to understand how these folks think you must be able to understand their mindset and what goes into it. It's HARD for someone who's depressed to "be happy" all the time or even some of the time. Hell, some days it take every ounce of strength they have just to get up out of bed and be productive. 

Most of these people are taking steps on their own to try and combat their problems. Whether it be seeking out professional help, medication, or other means they deem necessary. Others might be struggling to find their way or don't have the courage or have too much pride to seek help. So rather than dismiss their problems as "not that bad" just be understanding and listen. Sometimes that's all they need. They don't expect you to have the answers to their problems. Sometimes they just need an ear to listen to them. 

They already feel some kind of way about themselves, don't add too it by making them feel like their problems aren't important.

Inside the mind of an overthinker.

Overthinking is a side effect, or rather, symptom of depression and anxiety. All three go hand in hand. Once you experience one the other two aren't far behind. All three are a part of the mental illness family and I'm sure seeing that word, mental illness, caused you to raise an eyebrow. When you hear or think mental illness you think "crazy" right? Well when referring to a schizophrenic or bipolar diagnosis you're technically not far off but there's much more to the topic than just simply being "crazy". It's way deeper than that. 

Let me provide an example. You remember that time you got a text from that guy or girl you like and you immediately sent it to your best friend and said "oh my god idk what he/she means? Does he/she like me? And then you went on to spend the next thirty minutes, the next hour, the next however long trying to get to the bottom of this message you got? Congratulations, you now know what it's like to overthink something. Now imagine feeling that same feeling every day about everything all the time. Sounds exhausting right? Well it is. It's extremely exhausting, and draining, and frustrating and any other negative emotion you couple possibly attach it. To put it simply, it sucks. 

Trust issues are a major trigger for overthinking. If you find it hard to trust people fully or at all, it's easy to try and find lies in anything people say to you. The biggest trigger of all is fear. The fear of failing, fear of being hurt, fear of  feeling like you don't measure up to someone else's standards, or your own for that matter. 

One of the worst feelings in life is to constantly feel like you're being played with or lied to by everyone. No matter whether they gave you reason to doubt them or not somehow you always find yourself feeling like you're not being told everything you need to know in every situation you find yourself in. It's a lonely and miserable feeling always thinking to yourself "what am I missing?" "What are they not saying?". This is not something you can just stop either. It becomes a trained response after awhile. As soon as something happens your mind takes off at 100 MPH and goes for what seems like infinity. Not to mention the physical toll it takes on you. 

The emotions it invokes are so intense it literally drains you. Drains you of your overall mood, your appetite, your energy, your will. Anger, sadness, regret, confusion, frustration, sadness all become amplified. You become a prisoner inside your own mind with seemingly no way out. No matter how hard you try to remain calm and level headed but it just doesn't work. I've read there are ways to try and combat this behavior and to put it frankly it's easier said than done. Things like thinking of the positives, giving yourself a timeline in which to come to think about things and come to a decision, not second guessing. All sound good on paper but actually training yourself to use these methods is the real challenge. 

I'll give you a personal example. A few years back I found myself in a situation in which I knew I wasn't being given all the facts. Pieces of the story weren't adding up or making sense, the overthinking kicked in and sent me into detective mode. I drove myself nearly insane trying to find the answers I was so desperately seeking. Until that is, I went searching for those answers, and found EXACTLY what I was looking for. It's one thing to have an idea of the truth in your mind but to actually see it it's 100 times worse than any thought can ever be. I made  myself literally sick. It ruined me. I made a secret promise to myself to never let that happen to me again. Never to allow myself to get that far gone to put myself in that position ever again. And I haven't. 

At the risk of repeating myself on anything we'll end it here. Hope you appreciate the "behind the scenes" look into the mind of an overthinker. Probably a lot darker and deeper than you imagined it could ever be. But then again, so is life. 

Fastlane 2017: Smart or mistake?

This past Sunday I gathered around the television with friends and watched the WWE pay per view, a tradition that has been ongoing since 2014. This time it was the Raw brand pay per view Fastlane. Fastlane is a brand new pay per view that debuted in 2015 in Memphis, Tennessee. My buddy Ryan and I made the six and a half hour drive from Kentucky to watch in person and it did not disappoint. This past Sunday’s version however, did just that.

It was about 10:40 PM and the women’s championship match had just ended. I immediately began to sense a squash about to happen. Now it’s time for the main event. Both superstars made their entrances and then Kevin Owens exited the ring and began to pace the outside. It was then brought to my attention by the broadcast team that the bell had not yet rung (insert eye roll here). Owens then enters the ring, taunts Goldberg, and demands the bell to be rung. Then somewhat predictably, Chris Jericho’s music hits. The camera pans to the stage to him walking out into the arena, the camera pans back to Owens who is beside himself at the sight of his former best friend, and THEN the bell rings. Owens’ attention then shifts back to his opponent who charges forward and hits his signature spear, and then lifts the champion up over his head for his finisher, the jackhammer. Cover. One, two, three.

I had shifted from the TV to my iPhone at this point and as soon as the bell rung I double tapped my home button and closed the WWE app. Why squash your champion in that fashion? I was thinking we’d get a Lesnar run in to cost Goldberg the match putting more heat on their match heading into their April 2 bout at WrestleMania 33. Instead WWE chose to put the championship on their star part timer going into the Show of Shows. We have a match that wasn’t going to be great to begin with now being contested for a championship that neither competitor needs. That match could have done without the title and still have great meaning, but in typical WWE fashion they over thought their booking.

Am I shocked that Goldberg is the Universal champion? No. Am I shocked at the outside interference? No. The only thing I actually am shocked about is the fact they had Kevin Owens job to Goldberg. He deserves much better for the way he’s helped to carry Raw since winning his title in August. It seems they’re preparing us for another four to six months of bi-weekly or monthly champion appearances until either SummerSlam or Night of Champions where either man drops the title to someone else (presumably Owens, Balor, or Rollins if healthy). I really don’t care to see that again. WWE has made it clear they don’t care what we, or I think though. Share your thoughts with me below! 

Saving the Roman Empire

One of the most puzzling things I’ve seen as of late on WWE television is the creative team’s utter botching of Roman Reigns character. By now you’ve seen a dozen and a half articles about how WWE is (or depending on who you ask, isn’t) booking him. At this point there is no need to rehash any of that. What we can and will focus on today is something I’ve picked up on in recent months and that is the fact there are other superstars on the rosters who are flourishing in the role that would be perfect for Roman’s character.

Exhibit A: none other than Smackdown Live’s own Baron Corbin. The Lone Wolf went on a war path destroying “little guys” a couple months back leading up to a brief feud with Kalisto. That isn’t the part that caught my eye though, it was how he was doing it. He talked very little and when he did he was straight to his point, and then he proceeded to carry out his mission by dominating his opponents relentlessly. Corbin also has victories over many of the elites on Smackdown Live such as Dean Ambrose and AJ Styles.

Now let’s look at exhibit B: the newest member of the Monday Night Raw roster, Samoa Joe. In his case he began his main roster debut by shelving one of the hottest superstars on the brand in Seth Rollins. There is no better way to get your career off to a hot start than to take out a former multiple time world champion. Similar to Corbin, Joe speaks very little (but pretty well when he does speak) gets straight to his point then proceeds to dominate his competition in brutal fashion (see his most recent dismantling of Sami Zayn on last week’s episode of Raw). 

Now for my point: both of these guys are flourishing in a role that is PERFECT for Roman Reigns. The question is, why doesn’t the creative team realize this or the better question, do they care? It seems WWE upper management is hell bent on us liking Roman whether we want to or not. Roman should have been turned over a year ago and allowed to make his way on his own by doing his favorite thing: kicking ass. Instead, we are still being force fed something we showed that we didn’t want in Philly two years ago. He would thrive in a role similar to these two guys as his mic work leaves more to be desired and his in ring work could still use some fine tuning. I feel like if they continue down this path, that they are going to ruin him permanently. On the other hand, I also do not feel that it’s too late for him. I still have faith that the Roman Empire can be salvaged, if given the right role.  . It’s just up to WWE creative to realize this as well. What are your thoughts? Drop a comment below and let’s talk!

Through my eyes.

With the events that have transpired this week I felt the need to share this.

Disclaimer: I'm not going to be breaking down these videos frame by frame or posting photos or quoting a bunch of Martin Luther King or Malcolm X or anything like that. I hate all crime. Crimes against us by us, crimes against us by law enforcement, crime PERIOD. So I will spare you my opinion of that subject because I'm sure it matches many of yours who are reading (if you're actually reading lol) 

No, this post is about fear. Legitimate 100% unfiltered fear. Fear of the present and fear of the future. Now I've been thinking about this and how to approach it all day so I'm just gonna let it fly while trying not to ramble. 

At 27 years of age I've experienced just about everything you can experience when it comes to racial prejudice. It's gone on all throughout my life. I can still remember walking down the toy isle in Target here in Florence, at roughly 12 or 13, with my $20 allowance in my pocket ready to add another Gundam or Dragon Ball Z figure to my collection. As I skim the isle I notice a cart at the end of it. Ignore this because it's not mine and I'm on a mission. I still hear the words in my head to this day. "Honey, don't forget your purse" the statement made to a wife by her husband who was going to the next isle over to presumably search for a toy for their child. Normally, a harmless statement. But on this day, the way it was posed, I knew at my young age it wasn't right. It didn't help that the woman damn near ran back from her far away distance of about 6.7 feet away to grab her purse and go back into the next isle. 

Now I know what some of you are thinking right this moment. And trust me in most cases you're probably right, it COULD be taken out of context. In this case though the old saying of "it's not what you say, but how you say it"  applies here. From being "followed from a distance" in stores, to side eyes, to subliminal comments, I've dealt with it all as many of my friends and family members surely have as well. 

This post though goes far beyond that. The things we've seen over the years. Rodney King, Trayvon Martin, Eric Gardner etc. these are things that aren't supposed to be possible in this day and age. You shouldn't be able to follow a child through a neighborhood at night because you THINK he's suspicious. You shouldn't be able put a man in a choke hold and leave it on despite that man telling you multiple times he couldn't breathe. There should be no reason you, after being arrested, die in police custody (didn't forget you Sandra). None whatsoever. But as reality would have it, these things have happened. Many more that go undocumented and unaccounted for. 

20 years ago when people didn't have camera phones or digital cameras available to record things how many people's lives were taken in cold blood the way Alton Sterling's was? How many Philando Castile stories have there been that because there was nobody who possessed a camera phone never saw the light of day? Were swept under the rug? 

How many times has or will there be plain as day evidence that shows wrongdoing will that evidence be then dissected and analyzed in such a way that it's almost as if we're being told we aren't actually seeing what we are seeing? And therein lies the point of this post. Time and time and time and time and time again we see these kinds of situations play out where here is clear evidence of wrongdoing on the part of a law enforcement officer and not only will the police themselves or the media not go as far to say a simple phrase as "that looks really bad" (shoutout to Rosenberg. Hot 97 love. Still Power 105.1 though) they play the role of spin master and deflect your attention away from the subject at hand. Stop me if you've seen or heard this before "has a criminal record" "been arrested ____ times" "suspected of being a gang member or having gang ties". These people do everything in their power to draw your attention away from the issues at hand it's sickening. 

The fear I mentioned comes from the fact that as bad as it is, it's nowhere near as bad as it could be. What happens if or when people get tired of the treatment we receive at the hands of law enforcement and start taking matters into their own hands? What happens then? The real fear is for the fear of the future. I want to marry one day. I also want to start a family. These current events have destroyed all hope I have for the world I would be leaving behind for my children. It's truly frightening what the world could end up as when my kids are brought into this world. I don't even want to think about how I would feel if I were to learn that anyone that I love and care about met the same fate as these individuals. The sad part about all this is, its no longer a far fetched outcome. This kind of thing is VERY possible and VERY real.  

I want to bring my kids up in a world in which society sees them as equal and valuable human beings. That will never happen.


I end with this. I want to drive home the point that I do not support crime of any kind, I do not support killing of any kind. It is ALL wrong. We have to do something about this though, we have to. Being killed while standing outside of a convenience store or during a routine traffic stop cannot continue to happen. I'm not a violent person in any sense, so I do not support violent means to gaining a resolution, HOWEVER I don't really find myself being that shocked if people took those extremes. I want to be a part of the movement that looks to end this epidemic. I want to find a way to get together and discuss the ways we can make this better and have this stop happening to us, but you know something? As the days pass, I'm starting to think nothing we do will make any kind of difference for the simple fact those with bad intentions in positions of power outnumber us on a vast scale.

So I will do what I always do, dig in and find a way to maintain. It's looking like that is the only option available to me for the future.

Thoughts at 12 AM

There come times in life when you are gifted people into your world. We all have friends and family who are there for us and who are able to lift us up when we are down and to motivate us to chase our dreams. But most times there will also be people who are placed in your life outside of your friends and family who are there to provide those same things sometimes in a different manner or better.
It could be anyone. Just think: That one teacher who was seemingly harder on you than others your sophomore year of high school, a random stranger you meet in passing conversation, a manager at your job, or even a girlfriend or boyfriend. These people are placed in our lives sometimes knowingly other times unknowingly.

Regardless these people will forever change you in ways that you may not be able to imagine or even understand until these people have come and gone from your life. Just their mere presence inspires and motivates you to be the best version of yourself. When their presence causes you to immediately step your game up to the next level. As you read this, you're probably thinking about a person you have or had in your life who fits this description. Let me help with that. This person is always there for you in ways that others close to you can't be. They continuously support you and your aspirations and push you to get to them. When you have days where you don't even want to do anything but lay in bed and sleep but they bust in the room and demand you get up and go do something productive.

That constant kick in the ass that more times than not you scoff at and complain about but you know deep down you need. Not everyone is lucky enough to have a person in their life that they can go to when they need help, when they need an extra push, or when they need to be given a serious dose of reality. Many of us may never have that kind of person in your life, some of us have them and are unable to realize their value, others have had them and lost them for any number of reasons but the fact still remains..

As I said before these types of people can literally be found anywhere if you look hard enough at the people you have in your life or have had in your life. Think back to the time when you decided to put off doing school work to do something else like go outside and play, or pick up your phone, watch TV, play a video game. That person probably said something like "now you know that homework is due tomorrow/in a couple of days/next week, you need to get started on it". Think about a time where you half ass wrote a paper or half ass did an assignment at school and turned it in and the teacher handed it back to you and told you "I need to see more from you, do better" (I personally can attest to this one).

Nobody truly likes school so I can't really blame those for wanting to do just enough to get by, but that person refuses to let you do "just enough" because there will be a moment in time in your future where "just enough" won't cut it and may cost you dearly. If you've made it this far and you're thinking to yourself "isn't that what friends and family are for?" Yes. That is exactly what they are for. They are the main ones who you need to help you get where you want to go in life. What if though, their methods do nothing for you? Maybe the way the explain things to you doesn't make sense or help you. Sometimes all it takes is a fresh pair of eyes to look at a situation. Sometimes it takes a fresh voice or opinion on a subject to make the resolution become more clear in your mind.

If I've given you nothing be sure to read/hear what I am about to say here: cherish these people. Hold onto them Thank them for their input, thank them for their support, thank them for their love. Most importantly just make sure they know you appreciate them because at any moment they can be taken from you. By walking out, by death, by any other reason. Know their worth and appreciate it, value it, because you can wake up one day and no longer have them by your side.