Through my eyes.

With the events that have transpired this week I felt the need to share this.

Disclaimer: I'm not going to be breaking down these videos frame by frame or posting photos or quoting a bunch of Martin Luther King or Malcolm X or anything like that. I hate all crime. Crimes against us by us, crimes against us by law enforcement, crime PERIOD. So I will spare you my opinion of that subject because I'm sure it matches many of yours who are reading (if you're actually reading lol) 

No, this post is about fear. Legitimate 100% unfiltered fear. Fear of the present and fear of the future. Now I've been thinking about this and how to approach it all day so I'm just gonna let it fly while trying not to ramble. 

At 27 years of age I've experienced just about everything you can experience when it comes to racial prejudice. It's gone on all throughout my life. I can still remember walking down the toy isle in Target here in Florence, at roughly 12 or 13, with my $20 allowance in my pocket ready to add another Gundam or Dragon Ball Z figure to my collection. As I skim the isle I notice a cart at the end of it. Ignore this because it's not mine and I'm on a mission. I still hear the words in my head to this day. "Honey, don't forget your purse" the statement made to a wife by her husband who was going to the next isle over to presumably search for a toy for their child. Normally, a harmless statement. But on this day, the way it was posed, I knew at my young age it wasn't right. It didn't help that the woman damn near ran back from her far away distance of about 6.7 feet away to grab her purse and go back into the next isle. 

Now I know what some of you are thinking right this moment. And trust me in most cases you're probably right, it COULD be taken out of context. In this case though the old saying of "it's not what you say, but how you say it"  applies here. From being "followed from a distance" in stores, to side eyes, to subliminal comments, I've dealt with it all as many of my friends and family members surely have as well. 

This post though goes far beyond that. The things we've seen over the years. Rodney King, Trayvon Martin, Eric Gardner etc. these are things that aren't supposed to be possible in this day and age. You shouldn't be able to follow a child through a neighborhood at night because you THINK he's suspicious. You shouldn't be able put a man in a choke hold and leave it on despite that man telling you multiple times he couldn't breathe. There should be no reason you, after being arrested, die in police custody (didn't forget you Sandra). None whatsoever. But as reality would have it, these things have happened. Many more that go undocumented and unaccounted for. 

20 years ago when people didn't have camera phones or digital cameras available to record things how many people's lives were taken in cold blood the way Alton Sterling's was? How many Philando Castile stories have there been that because there was nobody who possessed a camera phone never saw the light of day? Were swept under the rug? 

How many times has or will there be plain as day evidence that shows wrongdoing will that evidence be then dissected and analyzed in such a way that it's almost as if we're being told we aren't actually seeing what we are seeing? And therein lies the point of this post. Time and time and time and time and time again we see these kinds of situations play out where here is clear evidence of wrongdoing on the part of a law enforcement officer and not only will the police themselves or the media not go as far to say a simple phrase as "that looks really bad" (shoutout to Rosenberg. Hot 97 love. Still Power 105.1 though) they play the role of spin master and deflect your attention away from the subject at hand. Stop me if you've seen or heard this before "has a criminal record" "been arrested ____ times" "suspected of being a gang member or having gang ties". These people do everything in their power to draw your attention away from the issues at hand it's sickening. 

The fear I mentioned comes from the fact that as bad as it is, it's nowhere near as bad as it could be. What happens if or when people get tired of the treatment we receive at the hands of law enforcement and start taking matters into their own hands? What happens then? The real fear is for the fear of the future. I want to marry one day. I also want to start a family. These current events have destroyed all hope I have for the world I would be leaving behind for my children. It's truly frightening what the world could end up as when my kids are brought into this world. I don't even want to think about how I would feel if I were to learn that anyone that I love and care about met the same fate as these individuals. The sad part about all this is, its no longer a far fetched outcome. This kind of thing is VERY possible and VERY real.  

I want to bring my kids up in a world in which society sees them as equal and valuable human beings. That will never happen.


I end with this. I want to drive home the point that I do not support crime of any kind, I do not support killing of any kind. It is ALL wrong. We have to do something about this though, we have to. Being killed while standing outside of a convenience store or during a routine traffic stop cannot continue to happen. I'm not a violent person in any sense, so I do not support violent means to gaining a resolution, HOWEVER I don't really find myself being that shocked if people took those extremes. I want to be a part of the movement that looks to end this epidemic. I want to find a way to get together and discuss the ways we can make this better and have this stop happening to us, but you know something? As the days pass, I'm starting to think nothing we do will make any kind of difference for the simple fact those with bad intentions in positions of power outnumber us on a vast scale.

So I will do what I always do, dig in and find a way to maintain. It's looking like that is the only option available to me for the future.

Thoughts at 12 AM

There come times in life when you are gifted people into your world. We all have friends and family who are there for us and who are able to lift us up when we are down and to motivate us to chase our dreams. But most times there will also be people who are placed in your life outside of your friends and family who are there to provide those same things sometimes in a different manner or better.
It could be anyone. Just think: That one teacher who was seemingly harder on you than others your sophomore year of high school, a random stranger you meet in passing conversation, a manager at your job, or even a girlfriend or boyfriend. These people are placed in our lives sometimes knowingly other times unknowingly.

Regardless these people will forever change you in ways that you may not be able to imagine or even understand until these people have come and gone from your life. Just their mere presence inspires and motivates you to be the best version of yourself. When their presence causes you to immediately step your game up to the next level. As you read this, you're probably thinking about a person you have or had in your life who fits this description. Let me help with that. This person is always there for you in ways that others close to you can't be. They continuously support you and your aspirations and push you to get to them. When you have days where you don't even want to do anything but lay in bed and sleep but they bust in the room and demand you get up and go do something productive.

That constant kick in the ass that more times than not you scoff at and complain about but you know deep down you need. Not everyone is lucky enough to have a person in their life that they can go to when they need help, when they need an extra push, or when they need to be given a serious dose of reality. Many of us may never have that kind of person in your life, some of us have them and are unable to realize their value, others have had them and lost them for any number of reasons but the fact still remains..

As I said before these types of people can literally be found anywhere if you look hard enough at the people you have in your life or have had in your life. Think back to the time when you decided to put off doing school work to do something else like go outside and play, or pick up your phone, watch TV, play a video game. That person probably said something like "now you know that homework is due tomorrow/in a couple of days/next week, you need to get started on it". Think about a time where you half ass wrote a paper or half ass did an assignment at school and turned it in and the teacher handed it back to you and told you "I need to see more from you, do better" (I personally can attest to this one).

Nobody truly likes school so I can't really blame those for wanting to do just enough to get by, but that person refuses to let you do "just enough" because there will be a moment in time in your future where "just enough" won't cut it and may cost you dearly. If you've made it this far and you're thinking to yourself "isn't that what friends and family are for?" Yes. That is exactly what they are for. They are the main ones who you need to help you get where you want to go in life. What if though, their methods do nothing for you? Maybe the way the explain things to you doesn't make sense or help you. Sometimes all it takes is a fresh pair of eyes to look at a situation. Sometimes it takes a fresh voice or opinion on a subject to make the resolution become more clear in your mind.

If I've given you nothing be sure to read/hear what I am about to say here: cherish these people. Hold onto them Thank them for their input, thank them for their support, thank them for their love. Most importantly just make sure they know you appreciate them because at any moment they can be taken from you. By walking out, by death, by any other reason. Know their worth and appreciate it, value it, because you can wake up one day and no longer have them by your side.

11-6-2012

  I will never forget that day. The night before I remember leaving the hospital. I saw you laying there in the bed. I kissed you and told you I loved you before I left. I knew I would be back the next day just like I every single day the past three weeks. This time though, something in my heart was worried that this would be the last time we would see each other. Fast forward seven hours later, and those fears became reality. "Your phone is ringing, I think it's your grandma." I looked down at my phone and it was indeed her calling to give me the news that i feared was coming. When I got to the hospital and saw all the family gathered in the hallway it started to become that much more real. In my younger days I would often think about how I would react on this day.

  Its something you know will eventually come but you never think anything of it because the perception of time isn't taken into account. You think you've got much more time than you really do. Years fly by and then you wake up one day and people you love and cherish are no longer there. And that is what happened to me. As everyone began to clear out of the room I stayed behind, just taking everything in. Then, it hit me, I had just lost the greatest man I had ever known.  Anyone who knows me knows I was raised by my grandparents. It was the best thing that could have ever happened to me, I literally had everything I could have ever wanted, needed, or asked for.

Everything that I am comes mostly from the two of them. For those who knew him, you can see everything that is important to me I got from my grandfather. So many things I learned as a child that to this day I still keep with me. I was taught to carry a wallet from a very young age, to never leave home without something to identify myself with. I was doing chores at an early age, learning the value of hard work, something today's kids have never and will never know anything about. The lessons only got more valuable as I got older. I was taught how to treat others the way that I want to be treated, I learned how to work on cars, I learned how to carry myself in a way that could be a positive reflection on the people I love. People don't realize that the silly things they get in trouble for are a negative reflection on the rest of your family. You taught me that at a very young age that how I acted was a direct reflection on you and nana. I got in trouble some as most kids do, but I always tried my best not to embarrass the name of our family.

There was one day a few months before you got sick where we talked and you told me that you were proud of me. There aren't words I can use to describe how much that meant to me. I made sure you knew I appreciated that. I needed it. Those words live in my head. I'm sure I've been told that before but for some reason this time stood out more than the others. If I die tonight or the next day, I'll be alright just because I have those words to hold onto. No matter how much time passes it never will get easier and I'll never be over it, but what I can and will do is keep going. I would never stop because I can't stomach the thought of letting you down. A couple weeks ago I was out and a friend asked me why I wear these dog tags. I felt my eyes well up and I had to walk away and compose myself. 

Where do I even begin? No matter where I go every time I leave the house they're with me. When I'm driving they hang on the rear view mirror. They protect me and keep me safe. When I go out anywhere I wear them around my neck and make sure they're out in plain sight. Nothing can ever replace the hole that's been in my heart since you left but at least this way you'll always be close to me, guiding me wherever I go. You truly were/are my hero and I will push forward in everything to continue to make you proud and in return I know you'll continue to watch over me. 

Until we meet again. I love you Pop Pop