It's been three years now. Three years since the night that changed me forever. I haven't gotten better, haven't gotten worse. Just kind of in the middle. Numb. I can't say I have had time to properly grieve. I don't know if I've truly grieved at all. I guess I just kinda woke up the next day and got on with my life. That's how it works. No matter how much hurt you feel, no matter how many tears you cry, life will go on. 

The world will continue forward whether you're ready to move with it or not. So here we are. Three years later. Much has happened. Much has changed. So much. Last year when I wrote I talked about getting ready for my little one to arrive. She will be one year old in less than 72 hours. Still so crazy to think about that of all people I am someone's parent. I know you would get a kick out of seeing it happen. You were the one person I know would be loving life right now with a new grandbaby to love on. The painful reality of that will probably never leave me. 

I went by the nursing home today. I parked my car and ate some donuts. The same donuts you used to bring home for me after work as a kid. I still remember those times. I just sat there and took it all in. I looked out of the windshield at the side of the building and thought back to June of 2020, when they called and told me we could set up window visits. How I went to Walmart and bought a fold up chair so I could sit outside your window and talk to you. I have so many vivid memories of those days.  As I sat there I didn't say much of anything, I just felt the energy and took it all in. I had flashbacks of that night three years ago. The same "that really happened" thought that often crosses my mind at random. 

Eventually I turned the car back on, backed out of my spot, and drove off. I looked towards the front entrance as I turned the corner and went down the hill. For the longest I would never get the chance to drive past the nursing home. I am never out in the area besides for work and even then the way I would go home would take me past the nursing home to where I would have to go the opposite way to go past there. Now the way that I go home takes me directly past it. So now I can pass by daily. Its comforting in a way. 

I don't know if I plan on writing like this every year. It might be cool to do. We will see I guess. Until then, just know I love you and I miss you.

Two years later.

 Two years. 730 days. Today (8/7) on the eve of that day, I sit and reflect as I often do about that last conversation we had. The one where you said “if you don’t hear from me later today I’ll try and get you tomorrow” . I hear those words so many times in my head. Often times I’ll flash back to exact where I was while that convo took place. You never know when you’re in a moment that it will be the last moment you have. Or the last moment you have with someone. 

I most certainly did not think that that conversation would be our last. Never thought I’d never get to physically be in your presence again. I’m certain I tried to come up and visit one or both days but was unable to set it up. So when I got the call I felt sick. My heart dropped. I rushed to be by your side. Every detail of that night is vivid as if i were living it all over again. 

All of 2020 as we were hit by Covid and the world stood still, I went days sometimes without being able to speak to you. It drove me up the wall to the point that if a day went by where I missed a call or didn’t get a call an immense feeling of worry rushed over me. Fearing that the call I got two years ago today would be the one I would wake up to the next day. I made sure I did what I could then to prevent that from happening. It got to the point where we could sit outside the window and talk on the phone. It wasn’t much but being able to hear your voice and see you physically in front of me gave me the comfort I so desperately needed. 

A lot has changed for me  in two years. I’ve lost people. Gained some more. Grew closer to some and apart from others. I’ve been so many new places. Done so many new things. Last summer I got on my first flight ever. A nervous wreck I was but I got through it. I’m sure you and Pop Pop would’ve got a kick out of hearing about that story and how when we landed I couldn’t eat for a day and a half because my anxiety was through the roof. My biggest fear I finally faced it. (I haven’t conquered it. Not even close. But I stared it down and came out on the other side) 

I still remember the first time you ever asked me if I wanted to get on the plane and go to Philly with you and I had a full on meltdown panic attack over it. I felt like a dirt bag then and kinda still do. What would I have done if something happened to you on that flight and I was too scared to go with you? I would never have been able to live that down. 

As I type this I'm laying back in a recliner in the hospital awaiting one of the biggest changes in my life: the birth of my first child. A moment I always knew you guys would be around to see. A moment that now as I sit here and am faced with the reality of doing this without you quite honestly sucks. Not so much because I’m not ready or anything. Just because I know how much you wanted that. I’ll never forget you telling me “I was hoping you’d be married and/or have some kids before I go” in the moment I felt like the biggest failure ever. And it wasn’t even said with that energy. I just know that you wanted to see how this experience would change me and to have the ability to have my kid get showered with the same love that I got growing up. 

And if we’re being honest, it’s taken some of the excitement and joy away from all of this. I wish you could be here to see me and experience this moment with me. The one person I knew for a fact would be jumping for joy when I told you this news. And you nor Pop Pop are here to share this with me. I know everyone will say you’re here in spirit and yeah I know. But it ain’t the same. 

Here I am now.. two years later. Sitting out front of where you took your last breath. Where we shared our last memories together. It still doesn’t feel like reality. My brain just cannot seem to process your presence no longer being here. Whenever I get a day where I have nothing to do I often don’t myself fumbling around attempting to pass the time. Because on days like those I would make it a point to spend time with you physically or on the phone. Without that my days feel discombobulated. Unorganized. 

As I sit here the moments of the night you left us replay in my mind vividly as if I were watching a playback of them. This is as close as I get to be these days. Whenever I ride by here I just remember all the days I spent in here with you. Each one as precious as the last. I’ll be here next year again. And the year after that. And after that. Until I get to see you again. You are eternally loved and missed every single day. 

Though you aren’t here to meet her, when she’s old enough my little one will get to know all about you and pop pop. Hopefully I can love her the way you guys loved on me. 

Until next time. 

What do you do?

What do you do? 

When the one constant in your life through all the other nonsense is no longer there ?

When the person who means the most to you is there one day, and the very next, isn’t? 

This is where I currently find myself. Life is strange. A lot of things that happen to you don’t seem possible. Like they shouldn’t be able to happen or be accepted. 

I look at pictures of you I have in my phone . From the various FaceTime calls and every visit we had up until the very last time. How could I see you in these photos, so smiling and so full of life, to now having to wrestle with the thought of you not being here anymore? How does that make sense? Why is that accepted? 

So as I go back to the day before. When we spoke for what would be the last time . God I never thought in a million years it would be the last one. After trying all week to make contact finally getting lucky and getting to spend some time with you. It was business as usual. Then at the end per usual when we were finished (the call was cut short because of your phone dying. I never want the call to end before I get to tell you I love you and hearing you say it back. So any time I hear the phone about to die I always suggest a call back) I tell you I love you and I will talk to you later. Then you tell me if you don’t call back tonight I’ll call you tomorrow and that you loved me too. 

And that was it. I went to the store and grabbed the stuff I promised I would bring to you and dropped it off. With a smile on my face. Everything is right. Everything is good. Until it wasn’t. The next day. (8/7) as I’m running around trying to get myself together for my night. The thought of calling you crossed my mind hit at that point time had gotten away from me. 

I didn’t want to try and call and then have to cut the call short again. I wish I would have. Maybe I wouldn’t have gotten through again. Then again maybe I would’ve got lucky? Who knows. I know that will always stick with me. Roughly 12 or so hours later I got the call. Sped over to the hospital. You weren’t there. Sped over to the nursing home. 

As we pull up the nurses were waiting outside. Telling us we needed gowns and masks. And then I heard it. “We’re very sorry  for your loss” I heard it clear as day but it didn’t register. Not until I went inside got upstairs and saw you. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Instant sadness. Grief. Heartbreak. Not a full on meltdown . 

Just a lot of tears. And after a couple of hours I hugged you, kissed you, and said my final goodbye. I will never not feel that pain. The other piece of my heart is shattered. Although I know that you and pop pop are together again and you two are ecstatic over that. I sit here selfishly broken. Wishing I still had you both here to watch me try and navigate this thing called life. I know you’re happy to be together again. You truly were the embodiment of “til death do  us part” . I can only hope to have that for myself one day. 

So what do I do now? As I look at all the pictures of you that I have, smiling and happy, and wrestle with the fact that the two most important people to me are now gone? It hasn’t truly hit me yet. Not at all. So I guess I’m like a bucket with cracks in the sides. Water leaking out. I’m just waiting on the day when the cracks give way and it all comes out. 

I can’t wait to see you guys again. Whenever that may be. Tell you about all the things I did after you guys left. About the kids I may have had. It’ll be a hell of a catch up session. So to my number one lady: just know I love you eternally. 

Always. 

Black in America

This has been one of the more interesting weeks in my life. So many things have happened that i would have never thought possible. So many things i've seen that are par for the course. That being said you'll have to bare with me as I most likely with be all over the map here. Its actually an accurate description of the inside of my mind. Anyways, here we go. . .

Another black human being was taken from us, live on camera, for the world to see, and his killer(s) will presumably get off scott free with full pension. How many times have we been here already? How many more times will we be back here, in this moment, having these same feelings and thoughts? This time was different though. Almost immediately the country had had enough and began to voice their displeasure very abruptly and loudly. It was so different. This time though, it wasn't just people of color who were upset and distraught, there were also people who aren't minorities that were right there voicing their displeasure. I can honestly say this is the first time in a long time where i've felt large sections of this country have been united.

Despite the president's attempts to try and drive a wedge in between us, we haven't allowed ourselves to get distracted from the iissues at hand. For that i am proud and optimistic (something i struggle mightily with. seriously, ask my friends).

Now that that's out of the way, lets get to the reason why I brought you all here.


In regards to the protests, riots, and looting. I'm all for the peaceful protesting of the killing of people of color at the hands of the police, the very people who took an oath to serve and protect, yet spend more time trying to disturb and collect. I say that to say, I don't agree with the destruction of property and looting. I do not think it's productive to the overall message and movement that is trying to be pushed out to the world. At the same time I don't subscribe to the idea of telling people how to react or how to feel when things that are traumatic happen to them. It's simple physics really. "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction."So yes while you or I may not agree with it we also do not get to judge those who may have different reactions to things that are deemed traumatic. Keep that in mind you or anyone you know forms the thoughts in your mind to condemn the protesters that take that course of action.

The second thing i take issue with is the constant changing of the narrative by non people of color. People love leaning on that "it's disrespectful to the flag" bullshit to try and make their case. Jesus people for the final time IT IS NOT ABOUT THE FLAG OR THE MILITARY. It never has been and never will be. It has been and always will be about stopping systemic racism and police brutality. But sadly the masses won't get that until they're the ones with the sped up heart rates when the police get behind them in traffic and/or pull them over. Or they are the ones being pulled from their homes, or their cars, or ran up on in their houses and being brutalized and killed like many of us have been over the last 400 years. And even then I suspect some of you would STILL try and make excuses.

I fell asleep last night and forgot most of the things I wanted to say so I'll just close with this... I have had so many people express their love and support of me in the last week. Comments on my posts, personal messages, DMs on social media. Many of them people I don't regularly talk to but have had interactions in the past. To all of you I simply say, thank you, and I love you. With so much hate in the world it's nice to know I am present in the thoughts and minds of people. You don't know how much that means to me.

The President is threatening to unleash the military onto the citizens of this country for protesting against the injustices that that same government is exacting upon its citizens. What a fucking time. "when the looting starts, the shooting starts." This is the man you people voted for and wanted to lead us. As you can see, he has done such a fine job of that. If in the fall of this year any of you that voted for him in 2016 plan to vote for him again so this type of tyrannical behavior can continue just know that you and I will be moving on separate paths going forward. I'm not tagging you in any posts, I wont be bashing you, I will however just distance myself from you. It's got to be that way. I won't say it again so if you're in that group and choose not to read this then this is your one and only heads up.

Often times I visualize myself being the one murdered at the hands of police and I wonder.. What kinds of things would be said about me to try and dirty my name and my reputation to justify the reason the cops felt "threatened" to use excessive force on me. The immediate thought after that is who would be on the front lines defending me and making it known that I am not the person they are trying to paint me as. These are just thoughts though. I am a thinker. It's what I do in my spare time.

I don't fear for my life that much but I am 100% mindful of how I move and my surroundings. If I get got then just know I did everything I could to preserve my life. My black life. Because it matters.

Thank you for reading.

The case of Kain Carter

So I've been following Kain Carter, aka Hotdamnirock, for almost a decade now. I've seen him go from super funny, to super creative and introspective, to now, super broken. How did we get here you're probably wondering? Well lets start from the beginning. This should be a given but try to watch each video as they all contain important information relating to the purpose of this blog post.

https://youtu.be/I1jN3MT8wZE

This probably isn't the very first video from him that I watched but it is one of them. The humorous way in which he delivers his messages is what drew me in. I was hooked.


Then we get to some of the creative stuff.

https://youtu.be/KzeREh_m1Mk

One of his most popular videos to date. Really displaying his creative side here.

Then somewhere along the line, life happened.


https://youtu.be/NEjCSUyfIsI



The above video was naturally the turning point in my journey alongside Kain. I don't know him personally however being that I've been subscribed for almost ten years now it feels like I know him a little better than most would. In the last video posted he states he's been gone for almost a full year from creating on YouTube which we all knew just based on the gap between uploads. He then goes on to describe a series of events in his life that were the cause of him being gone: the death of his cousin (and the grief from not being able to be there in her final moments), his own battle with an unknown illness, his dog's battle with illness, and finally, the death of his best friend.

It's only natural for one to be torn up and struggling to come to terms with any one of those situations on their own but to deal with them all in a relatively short period of time would be crushing to most. He put on his best "i'm dealing with it" face as best he could be there were times he bared his emotion on camera (a full video actually).

https://youtu.be/L0e4-sRMt7U

the above video is very important because it sets the stage for what is to come next. He states in that video that the persona known as hotdamnirock was being shut away for good as he is continuing to evolve and find new ways to inspire people and make an impact on the world. To that end he announces that all of the shirts he's ever made would be available one last time so anyone who wanted one could order one and he'd have it made and shipped to them along with a few other little items that relate to him and a letter he wrote from his soul. And now, we have arrived.


https://youtu.be/TJrFdirpzzY

As you can see. Kain is full on disgruntled, frustrated, disappointed but most of all, tired. From the time he released the end of hotdamnirock video til two days ago he's gotten countless emails regarding the orders of those shirts he promoted in the last video. Everyone was frustrated and angry with how long it was taking their packages to come and it began to take its toll on him as he struggled to complete the sheer number of orders he had received. Much more than one man can do alone (which I'll touch on shortly) .

Now that we've gotten to this point let's get down to the reason for this post. I know his best friend died two years ago but does he have anyone else in his life who cares about him? Who checks in on him to make sure he's good? Because to me, that doesn't seem to be the case. His whole demeanor is different than it was even a few months ago when he posted his last video. He looks like if he hasn't already had a mental breakdown, he's damn close to it.

Which goes back to what I continue to try and preach: CHECK ON YOUR FRIENDS. You never know what they're going through or battling. Sometimes all it takes is a simple "how are you doing" to fix everything. To show that you care. I personally don't have the same luxury unless I repost something on social media about the subject then people come out the wood works because they feel attacked. On the flip side I try to reach out to all my friends as much as possible. I understand we are all adults and have our own families and lives to tend to however it is possible to maintain that relationship with your friends. Even if its someone I don't really have a strong relationship with I'll reach out just to offer some encouragement or positivity. It really does go a long way. So my challenge to you, is to do better. To be better. Thanks for reading.

I'm out

The Most Frustrating thing you can say to someone dealing with depression and/or anxiety...

I'm sure we all know someone who appears to be sad or down all the time. Facial expressions, body language, social media posts... all dead giveaways. The first thing you say to them is "oh it's not that bad", "you'll be fine" "be positive" or my personal favorite "there's always someone who has it worse" . Thank you captain obvious for making that completely irrelevant but true statement. 

There are millions of people with worse problems than what I or they may be dealing with. But did it ever occur to you that saying that to someone isn't going to make them feel anything less upset about what they have going on? What do they care about what Brad in Iowa is upset or depressed over? It doesn't make the problems that they wake up with everyday hurt any less. 

People are so quick to have the solutions to everyone's problems when the only true solution is to be understanding and supportive. Sometimes all these people want or need is someone to let them vent and get some weight off of their shoulders. Most people put up fronts like everything is fine but inside are begging for the help that their mouths won't allow them to ask for. Usually for the reasons listed above, these people won't try and confide in friends or family because they seem to make things worse with dismissive comments or attitudes so they end up holding it in and suffering in silence. 

It's true, thinking positive is something these people could stand to do. It definitely would make things better but don't you think they're trying to do that?Or have done that? Do you know how hard it is for someone who sufferers from anxiety or depression or both to form clear and rational thoughts? It's extremely hard to do. Mood swings are also apart of the equation which make things more fun (in the most sarcastic tone possible). 

This isn't designed to be a pity piece, or a "feel sorry for me" type deal, simply a means of understanding. In order to understand how these folks think you must be able to understand their mindset and what goes into it. It's HARD for someone who's depressed to "be happy" all the time or even some of the time. Hell, some days it take every ounce of strength they have just to get up out of bed and be productive. 

Most of these people are taking steps on their own to try and combat their problems. Whether it be seeking out professional help, medication, or other means they deem necessary. Others might be struggling to find their way or don't have the courage or have too much pride to seek help. So rather than dismiss their problems as "not that bad" just be understanding and listen. Sometimes that's all they need. They don't expect you to have the answers to their problems. Sometimes they just need an ear to listen to them. 

They already feel some kind of way about themselves, don't add too it by making them feel like their problems aren't important.

Inside the mind of an overthinker.

Overthinking is a side effect, or rather, symptom of depression and anxiety. All three go hand in hand. Once you experience one the other two aren't far behind. All three are a part of the mental illness family and I'm sure seeing that word, mental illness, caused you to raise an eyebrow. When you hear or think mental illness you think "crazy" right? Well when referring to a schizophrenic or bipolar diagnosis you're technically not far off but there's much more to the topic than just simply being "crazy". It's way deeper than that. 

Let me provide an example. You remember that time you got a text from that guy or girl you like and you immediately sent it to your best friend and said "oh my god idk what he/she means? Does he/she like me? And then you went on to spend the next thirty minutes, the next hour, the next however long trying to get to the bottom of this message you got? Congratulations, you now know what it's like to overthink something. Now imagine feeling that same feeling every day about everything all the time. Sounds exhausting right? Well it is. It's extremely exhausting, and draining, and frustrating and any other negative emotion you couple possibly attach it. To put it simply, it sucks. 

Trust issues are a major trigger for overthinking. If you find it hard to trust people fully or at all, it's easy to try and find lies in anything people say to you. The biggest trigger of all is fear. The fear of failing, fear of being hurt, fear of  feeling like you don't measure up to someone else's standards, or your own for that matter. 

One of the worst feelings in life is to constantly feel like you're being played with or lied to by everyone. No matter whether they gave you reason to doubt them or not somehow you always find yourself feeling like you're not being told everything you need to know in every situation you find yourself in. It's a lonely and miserable feeling always thinking to yourself "what am I missing?" "What are they not saying?". This is not something you can just stop either. It becomes a trained response after awhile. As soon as something happens your mind takes off at 100 MPH and goes for what seems like infinity. Not to mention the physical toll it takes on you. 

The emotions it invokes are so intense it literally drains you. Drains you of your overall mood, your appetite, your energy, your will. Anger, sadness, regret, confusion, frustration, sadness all become amplified. You become a prisoner inside your own mind with seemingly no way out. No matter how hard you try to remain calm and level headed but it just doesn't work. I've read there are ways to try and combat this behavior and to put it frankly it's easier said than done. Things like thinking of the positives, giving yourself a timeline in which to come to think about things and come to a decision, not second guessing. All sound good on paper but actually training yourself to use these methods is the real challenge. 

I'll give you a personal example. A few years back I found myself in a situation in which I knew I wasn't being given all the facts. Pieces of the story weren't adding up or making sense, the overthinking kicked in and sent me into detective mode. I drove myself nearly insane trying to find the answers I was so desperately seeking. Until that is, I went searching for those answers, and found EXACTLY what I was looking for. It's one thing to have an idea of the truth in your mind but to actually see it it's 100 times worse than any thought can ever be. I made  myself literally sick. It ruined me. I made a secret promise to myself to never let that happen to me again. Never to allow myself to get that far gone to put myself in that position ever again. And I haven't. 

At the risk of repeating myself on anything we'll end it here. Hope you appreciate the "behind the scenes" look into the mind of an overthinker. Probably a lot darker and deeper than you imagined it could ever be. But then again, so is life.